My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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