Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
