if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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