Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
