I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
