my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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