Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize