How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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