Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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