My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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