My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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