Don't make out with my wife yet
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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