Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
