every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
