You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
