She's JV to your varsity
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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