Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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