remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
