she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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