Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Vodka?
Forever.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
