Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
