It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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