I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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