nut hugger
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
