god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't want my vagina anymore.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
