i just google imaged poop.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
