I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
