I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
