Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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