standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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