I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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