sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
