Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
