she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
