They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
