i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize