Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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