I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
