Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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