I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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