if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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