They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So much rum. So many feels.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
