Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize