my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
