I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
