just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize