he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
