i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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