We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
