They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
