Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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