The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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