tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
