i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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