i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
