help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We need to get me chipped asap
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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