We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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