I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
