For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
