when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
if only i could text you this smell
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
