k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
