I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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