i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
