the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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